Tales of the Parodyverse

New! The Saga of the Pants Baron, Chapter One: By Nats and Balefire!


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Nats
Mon Sep 22, 2003 at 09:04:39 pm EDT
[ New ] [ Tales of the Parodyverse ]

The Saga of the Pants Baron! #1!
Starring the Lair Legion!
And Also the Pants Baron!

By Nats and Balefire! Or Balefire and Nats!


The shower in the main bathroom of the Lair Mansion could be a very exciting place. Banshees were known to haunt there, and major battle plans were formed there. Currently, however, something more horrible than the imagination could ever conceive was occurring.

"Smarter than a jar of mayonnaise, More powerful than some guy named George, faster than... a quickly moving object... no, that doesn't work," Nats announced aloud for all his showering brethren to hear.

Nats's train of thought quickly shifted, and he began singing 80's tunes, at which point Sorceress, calmly reading some Robert Frost poems down the hall, shrieked in agony and dashed off.

Nats jumped out of the shower and went to see what was going on. Luckily for anyone roaming the hallways at the time, he stopped to put on his pants. Common decency and several legal orders required it.

Nats had got the stopping part down easily, but then realized there were no pants to put on. This puzzled him; he was sure he had left them inside the bathroom.

"Dude, where's my pants?" Nats mused aloud.

A second scream, coming from Dancer's room reminded Nats of the reason he was looking for his pants in the first place. Wrapping himself with a towel, he ran out into the hall.

"Has anybody seen...?" he managed to say before someone ran past him.

Nats watched as a pantsless Hatman headed by and into Sorceress's room. Seeing that problem was being handled, Nats proceeded to Dancer's room.

Dancer's room was but a temporary quarters, as she primarily lived somewhere in the city in her secret identity. "Hey, Dancer, have you seen my..."

He walked in on her, dressed in a bathrobe, tearing through drawers and cabinets.

"It wasn't me this time!" Flapjack said, stepping out of the closet, video camera in hand.

"What wasn't you?" Nats asked as he was very rudely shoved aside by the berobed Dancer.

Nats barely managed to keep his towel on as Dancer began to throttle Flapjack.

"I was just...ack...recording your posterior for...glkk...posterity!" he explained.

"Give me back my pants, you lumpy toad!" she yelled.

"You're missing your pants too?" Nats asked quite befuddled.

"That makes three of us," Flapjack said.

"Dude, where's your pants?" Nats asked.

"Well, my friend..." Flapjack began.

"I don't know!" Dancer exclaimed. "Somebody is up to something!"

"I have to agree with that," Flapjack said, causing further throttling from Dancer.

Suddenly, Hatman burst into the room. "Do any of you have any pants?"

“I've had dreams like this," Flapjack smiled before Dancer threw him out the window.

"Wait, you mean there's some kind of pants shortage?" Nats wondered.

"I don't know if you would call it a shortage, really... It's just that no one has any pants," Hatman tried to explain.

"I'm alright," Flapjack yelled, "but if Dancer could move a little to the left and open up the robe a bit..."

Nats walked over and closed the curtains before she started throwing furniture.

"How about Finny? Does Finny have pants?" he asked.

"You know Finny never wears pants," Hat replied.

"What about CSFB!?" Nats asked. "Does he still have his suit?"

"And Ziles?" Dancer added. "What about her?"

Hatman shrugged. "Haven't seen Dream, but I know Ziles won't leave her room...apparently she only had the one bodysuit here at the mansion and, erm..."

"Where have all the pants gone?" Dancer asked, suddenly realizing that she was topless.

*Meanwhile, at a nearby abandoned Cookies & Cream candy bar factory...*

"Finally, the world's most powerful pants are mine! No one will be able to stop me now. Bwahahahahahaha!" The yet unknown villain cackled aloud.

"I've been called crotch face for the last time. Now, I shall be known as... The Pants Baron!!!"

The villain surveyed his new acquisitions. "They never suspected I could snatch their garments right out from under their buttocks. But, using my ingenious intellect, I have completed my collection of all of the Lair Legion's trousers!"

"I even have a pair of purple pants that Fin Fang Foom was purported to have worn once! And all for a low price on eBay! Mwahahah!"

***

Nats found himself exiting Ted's Toga Palace, clad in newly purchased Roman house-wear with several packages in hand. Normally on Saturdays, Nats would find himself sitting alone in the mansion living room, playing video games or staring blankly at the wall. Today, however, he had a mission to carry out.

It also happened to be Friday.

"At least I don't have to wear pants when I've got a toga. But it's a damn hard time flying around pants-less. Ahh well, better deliver this batch of togas to the gang until we figure out this pants mystery."

A young blonde man wearing an ascot poked his head out from behind a rack of togas. "Did I hear the word mystery?"

"Ro-GA! Ro-GA!" chanted an odd talking dog, which therefore ended this cameo subplot.

"Well that was odd," Nats thought to himself as he made his way back to the mansion. "I hope the guys don't mind that I got them togas too. I'll just say some dude came along and offered me magic beans and some togas in exchange for the family cow."

Nats was so busy thinking up his excuse, he almost didn't notice the man hovering in mid-air next to him.

"Hey those are my pants!" he exclaimed.

The man nodded. "Yes, they are."

"Would you be the Great Gazoo?" Nats asked. "No, not green enough. Mr. Mxyzptlk? Bat-Mite?"

"No, no, and no," the man replied.

"Then who are you?"

"Don't you know already? Well if you don't, them I'm not telling you!"

"C'mon, please?" Nat's pleaded with the man.

“Seeing as you asked so nicely, I am.... THE PANTS BARON!!!"

"Well it was nice meeting you and all, but I gotta get these togas to my friends," Nats was about to fly off, when suddenly he remembered something. "Hey, those are my pants!"

"I see that nothing escapes you, my friend."

"Can I have my pants back, please?" Nats ventured. "It's kinda breezy today."

"Hmm..." thought the Pants Baron. "No."

"Is there any way I can get them back?"

"Possibly. You have to give a message to your companions, the Lair Legion!"

"And tell them what, exactly?"

"Tell them that I, The Pants Baron, demand... request forcefully... um... well... I never really figured I'd get to this part. You have any good ideas?"

"Well you could demand money, art, stolen technolo- Hey wait a minute!" Nats stopped, realizing again who he was talking to.

Nats floated into the air so he was face-to-face with the Baron of Pants. "Gimme those!" he said, groping for the trousers, soon realizing groping at pants wasn't something he saw himself doing on a day like this.

"I think not!" The Pants Baron replied, knocking Nats into a nearby building with a powerful telekinetic blast.

"What? No fair! I should totally copyright telekinesis use in super-battles," Nats complained, quickly pushing his toga down so he wasn't exposed.

The Pants Baron laughed. "Since I am wearing your pants, I have all your powers!"

"No wonder you stole our pants! Just so you know, I'd avoid Dancer. She was pretty pissed about the whole pants-stealing thing." Nats warned his adversary.

"I'll keep that in mind," The Pants Baron replied, throwing Nats onto the crowded pavement below.

Nats landed legs up. "Blimey!" he grumbled, quickly covering himself. "I'll get you for this, Pants Baron! Pow! Right to the---" The villainous master of trousers picked up a car and hit him with it.

"...moooo...." Nats sputtered as he landed in a field full of cows.

The Pants Baron hovered over the field, surveying his handiwork. "That was somewhat easier than expected," he said to himself. "By the way Nats, I've decided what you should tell your fellow Legionnaires."

Nats felt around to see if he had any missing teeth. "Got my toga all dirty," he stated.

"...right, right," the Pants Baron said. "Anyway, you should..."

"...'s a new toga...rips...stains...what will mother say?"

"Yeah. Listen here, red, I've---"

"And it had a nice floral border, too..."

"Dammit!" the Pants Baron exclaimed. "Now I forgot what I was going to say."

With that, The Pants Baron continued beating Nats into something of a bloody pulp.

Several minutes later, he remembered what he wanted to say. "Now I remember what I wanted to say! Oh, the poor boy's gone unconscious. I'll just have to deliver the message myself."

He flew off with Nats's pants in the direction of the Lair Mansion.
Nats remained unconscious for fifteen minutes until he awoke and found his face in a cow chip.

To be continued...!






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